we need a humor forum.....until then

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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, Martha, soon we will have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

Martha replied, Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons? Martha said, the first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended? Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?

Martha asked, do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge. I recall that, said Henry. And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time.

All right, Martha said. So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?
 
Entrepreneur

Trying to work out how to make my fortune as an entrepreneur I have mapped out a plan with two options.

#1 is to become a scrap metal dealer in Ukraine

#2 is to become a funeral director in Russia

I am leaning towards #1 as for #2 poo-tin might ask for a bulk discount.

All advice welcome.

* doggie *
 
Scrape metal market in Ukraine is kinda flooded= Low prices. So second option looks more promising- all you need is a small excavator of some type. Plenty of holes to fill, which adds a third option.
 
My ride is getting on up there in mileage so I decided to see what`s available and at what price. I stopped at a local dealership and requested a test drive on a new sporty vehicle. The salesman that accompanied me on the test drive looked a little left wing leaning to me, and after the conversation started during the test drive all doubts were removed. He was pointing out the deluxe options on the test vehicle and stated that this particular model had the all climate seats. I was instructed to push the button on the dash that said "Winter". All of a sudden warm air started flowing up from the seat all around my rear end. He then instructed me to push the button that said "Summer." You guessed it, cold air emerged from the seat all around my butt. I said that I really liked the option but does this model come with the Joe Biden seats? He said he had never heard of a Joe Biden seat and what does it do? I said it blows smoke up your ass year round. I had to walk back to the dealership.
 
A man walks happily into a car dealership with an emu.


A salesman walks up to the man and asks, "Can I help you?" The man replies, "I would like to buy your most expensive car......hopefully with a moonroof" Humoring the man with the emu, the salesman leads him over to a Bentley and says, "This model costs 204,572.99 dollars." Without missing a beat, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly 204,572.99 and hands it to the salesman. The salesman's jaw drops, and he asks, "How did you know? How did you do that?" The man explains, "years ago, I found a lamp on a beach. When I rubbed the sand off of it, a genie popped out and gave me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I could just reach into my pocket, and the exact money I needed would be there." "Incredible!" Says the salesman, "You'll never run out of money like that, what a smart wish! What was your second wish?" The man scowls at the emu, now pecking his newly bought car. "My second wish was for a chick with long legs that would never leave my side......."
 
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a double. He slams that one down and orders another double. The bartender clearly sees that the guy is troubled and asks him what's wrong. The man reaches into a bag and pulls out a little one foot tall man and a miniature piano. The little man sits down at the piano and plays as only a master could. The bartender is impressed and ask the guy why he is so despondent. After all, this is probably the only one in existence. The guy takes a big gulp of his third double and says that while walking on the beach he kicked an object and a Genie pooped out. The Genie said I could have one wish, and do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist.
 
Another defective genie....

A guys goes into a bar and sits down next to a dour fellow in tweed. He notices that the Brit has a huge BIC Lighter, and says, "That's cool lighter, where did you get it?"

In a high Cornwall falsetto the Englishman replies, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this lamp."

"Wow!" says the American, "Can I try?"

"Sure"........ hauls an old crusty brass lamp out of his footbag.

So the American rubs it and out comes the genie,m who proclaims, "Hi stranger, you may have one wish."

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie bows, palm up, flash of light and 'woosh'......... back into the lamp.

A few seconds later ducks come trundling into the bar, filling the floor, crapping everywhere,

peering out the door, dude sees them stretching out of sight..... filling the street.

The American says "I don't believe this. I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The English remarks, "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?"
 
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