John Kielly
Shari's fan club
A tad close to home this term of office.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
Two Nuns.
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have sex with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be sexy
Say two Hail Marys!
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have sex with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be sexy
Say two Hail Marys!
antelopedundee
internet bum
2 nuns were walking on the Convent grounds when a man jumped from the bushes and assaulted both of them. Sister Mary, should we tell Father Adams that we we raped twice? Sister Mary asked why. We're going back the same way aren't we?
R
retired
Guest
never chock in a restaurant
Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.
Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.
The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction
flew out of her mouth.
As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table. His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.
Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.
The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction
flew out of her mouth.
As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table. His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
R
retired
Guest
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the
bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Excuse me,I need to pee.'
The teacher responded:
'That would be quite impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the
bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Excuse me,I need to pee.'
The teacher responded:
'That would be quite impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
A woman got a problem with her closet door,
It was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repairman. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
“OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me” and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: “What the hell are you doing here!”
Repairman:”Well, you are not going to believe this......... but I am waiting for a bus!”
It was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repairman. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
“OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me” and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: “What the hell are you doing here!”
Repairman:”Well, you are not going to believe this......... but I am waiting for a bus!”
pipeline60
Kelly Ellis
War Horses
#1 Do you know why the Plains Indians always rode Appaloosa horses into Battle?,,, because by the time they got there they were mad enough to Fight.
#2 Do you know why the Plains Indians always rode Paint Horses?,, because they were the only ones they could catch on foot.
Happy Thursday from America
#1 Do you know why the Plains Indians always rode Appaloosa horses into Battle?,,, because by the time they got there they were mad enough to Fight.
#2 Do you know why the Plains Indians always rode Paint Horses?,, because they were the only ones they could catch on foot.
Happy Thursday from America
R
retired
Guest
ex-wife
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..."
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed,
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied, “I wasn't....
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..."
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed,
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied, “I wasn't....
Keeps moving
On a trip to the range, I watched a guy in a business suit sighting in his new rifle. After three shots, he walked down to the target and moved it to the left. Came back and shot three more times, and went to check the target. Again, he moved it to the left. After the third time, I asked him if he was having a problem with his new rifle. He said yes, but given enough time, I will get it to shoot to the right.
On a trip to the range, I watched a guy in a business suit sighting in his new rifle. After three shots, he walked down to the target and moved it to the left. Came back and shot three more times, and went to check the target. Again, he moved it to the left. After the third time, I asked him if he was having a problem with his new rifle. He said yes, but given enough time, I will get it to shoot to the right.
Guy goes to the doctor with a headache.
Doctor tells guy he has a brain tumor and won't survive the night.
Guy goes home and gives his wife the bad news. Wife says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! How would you like to spend your last night alive?"
Guy says, "I want to make love with you before I die." They have sex, and it's the best they've ever had.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love with you again before I die." They have sex again, and it's even better.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love one more time before I die." Wife, annoyed, says, "Look, some of us have to get up in the morning."
Doctor tells guy he has a brain tumor and won't survive the night.
Guy goes home and gives his wife the bad news. Wife says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! How would you like to spend your last night alive?"
Guy says, "I want to make love with you before I die." They have sex, and it's the best they've ever had.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love with you again before I die." They have sex again, and it's even better.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love one more time before I die." Wife, annoyed, says, "Look, some of us have to get up in the morning."
R
retired
Guest
medical break throughs
PAIN TRANSFER
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
PAIN TRANSFER
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
R
retired
Guest
The italian wedding test
*THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST*
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
*THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST*
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
The Nun
While on her way to visit an elderly shut in Sister Mary Elizabeth ran out of gas. She searched her car, and the only container she could find to put gas in was a bed pan that she had planned to use for the elderly woman. So, grabbing the bedpan, Sister Mary Elizabeth walked three blocks to nearest service station and filled the bedpan with gas. In the meantime three Baptist gentlemen had taken a seat on a park bench across the street from Sisters car. They watched her approach the car, then proceed to pour the contents of the bedpan into the gas tank. One of the Baptists looks at the other two and says, If it starts I`m turning Catholic.
While on her way to visit an elderly shut in Sister Mary Elizabeth ran out of gas. She searched her car, and the only container she could find to put gas in was a bed pan that she had planned to use for the elderly woman. So, grabbing the bedpan, Sister Mary Elizabeth walked three blocks to nearest service station and filled the bedpan with gas. In the meantime three Baptist gentlemen had taken a seat on a park bench across the street from Sisters car. They watched her approach the car, then proceed to pour the contents of the bedpan into the gas tank. One of the Baptists looks at the other two and says, If it starts I`m turning Catholic.
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