NezRongero
Member
Some of my favorites taken when I was an expat in China. Of course they had big laughs every time I tried to carry conversation beyond my survival Mandarin. It goes both ways, all is fair.
C
CMaier
Guest
An Italian Mama
Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is.
Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you"did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you"did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son, Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you"do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Mrs. Castranova comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Anthony’s roommate is.
Throughout the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you"did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you"did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son, Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you"do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
C
CMaier
Guest
three contractors
THREE CONTRACTORS
Three contractors are bidding to repair a damaged fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the ammunition box!
THREE CONTRACTORS
Three contractors are bidding to repair a damaged fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the ammunition box!
The Urinal is too High...
The Urinal Is Too High:
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one,
holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,"You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help."
The Urinal Is Too High:
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one,
holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,"You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help."
DeltaBravo
Member
Ole and Lena get married SPOILER ALERT - F-BOMB INSIDE
Ole and Lena were high school sweethearts and decided to get married after graduation. They had a beautiful ceremony without spending a lot of money (they were just graduated remember). Since they didn't have a lot of money at this early stage in their marriage, they decided to have their honeymoon in Duluth, which is a wonderful location.
To help them save even more, they got tickets on a bus heading to Duluth and it was nearly full with hunters. They left early in the morning, as hunters are wont to do, and started the long ride to Duluth. Well, (vell if you're into using correct accents), about an hour into the trip the bus broke down and pulled to the side of the road.
Everyone got off the bus and Ole said to Lena "Let's go into dem woods dere and get a little you know what." Lena replied "No, Ole, I'm savin' myself for da honeymoon."
Vell, da bus was repaired and everyone got back on board and headed for Duluth again. Another hour or so passes and the bus breaks down again and pulls to the side of the road. Everyone gets off the bus again, and Ole says to Lena "Let's go into dem woods and get a little." Lena replies, again, "No, Ole I'm savin' myself for da honeymoon."
Soon, da bus is fixed and they all get back on board and continue their trek to Duluth. Only an hour later, the bus breaks down once again and pulls to the side of the road. Everyone gets off again and are all standing around. Lena grabs Ole and says: "Ole, let's go into dem woods and get a little." Ole replied "I thought you were saving yourself for da honeymoon, Lena!" Lena replied: "Vell, I was, but I heard on of da hunters say that if the bus breaks down again, the f***ing season will be over!"
Dennis
Ole and Lena were high school sweethearts and decided to get married after graduation. They had a beautiful ceremony without spending a lot of money (they were just graduated remember). Since they didn't have a lot of money at this early stage in their marriage, they decided to have their honeymoon in Duluth, which is a wonderful location.
To help them save even more, they got tickets on a bus heading to Duluth and it was nearly full with hunters. They left early in the morning, as hunters are wont to do, and started the long ride to Duluth. Well, (vell if you're into using correct accents), about an hour into the trip the bus broke down and pulled to the side of the road.
Everyone got off the bus and Ole said to Lena "Let's go into dem woods dere and get a little you know what." Lena replied "No, Ole, I'm savin' myself for da honeymoon."
Vell, da bus was repaired and everyone got back on board and headed for Duluth again. Another hour or so passes and the bus breaks down again and pulls to the side of the road. Everyone gets off the bus again, and Ole says to Lena "Let's go into dem woods and get a little." Lena replies, again, "No, Ole I'm savin' myself for da honeymoon."
Soon, da bus is fixed and they all get back on board and continue their trek to Duluth. Only an hour later, the bus breaks down once again and pulls to the side of the road. Everyone gets off again and are all standing around. Lena grabs Ole and says: "Ole, let's go into dem woods and get a little." Ole replied "I thought you were saving yourself for da honeymoon, Lena!" Lena replied: "Vell, I was, but I heard on of da hunters say that if the bus breaks down again, the f***ing season will be over!"
Dennis
A young priest visits an elderly woman on his rounds...... he's nervous, making stilted conversation and looking about desperately he notices a bowl of peanuts on the side table.
"Do you mind?" he asks.
Ohh no, you're welcome to all you'd like!"
Suddenly he relaxes and conversation begins to flow. He finds that she worked for the War Effort, had climbed mountains and even been on safari in her younger days. In fact, she'd led a busy and interesting life! But now she's nodding, nearly asleep.... "my goodness how time flies! I''m sorry to have kept you and I seem to have eaten all your peanuts!"
"That's OK," she says, rousing slightly...."glad to see them go. You see, I can't chew them anymore. But I do so enjoy the taste, now I just suck the chocolate off......"
"Do you mind?" he asks.
Ohh no, you're welcome to all you'd like!"
Suddenly he relaxes and conversation begins to flow. He finds that she worked for the War Effort, had climbed mountains and even been on safari in her younger days. In fact, she'd led a busy and interesting life! But now she's nodding, nearly asleep.... "my goodness how time flies! I''m sorry to have kept you and I seem to have eaten all your peanuts!"
"That's OK," she says, rousing slightly...."glad to see them go. You see, I can't chew them anymore. But I do so enjoy the taste, now I just suck the chocolate off......"
antelopedundee
internet bum
lol
Attachments
antelopedundee
internet bum
They are indeed.
Attachments
Butch Lambert
Active member
The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar, the bartender says...
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened You look terrible."
"What do you mean" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg You didn't have that before.."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook What happened to your hand"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
Flew over. I looked up, and one of them $hit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird $hit "
"It was my first day with the hook.
A pirate walked into a bar, the bartender says...
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened You look terrible."
"What do you mean" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg You didn't have that before.."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook What happened to your hand"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
Flew over. I looked up, and one of them $hit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird $hit "
"It was my first day with the hook.
Wilbur may have to burn this one
The Richland Police report finding a man's body in the Columbia River, near the confluence of the Yakima River, at Columbia park.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on , purple lipstick, and a ‘Hillary for President' T-shirt. .
The police removed the Hillary T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
The Richland Police report finding a man's body in the Columbia River, near the confluence of the Yakima River, at Columbia park.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on , purple lipstick, and a ‘Hillary for President' T-shirt. .
The police removed the Hillary T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
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It wasn't really meant to be funny, it's just a sad story of a poor PNW fellow who found hisself a liddle far east from home..... he was just trying to migrate back to his wintering grounds in Portland....to be with his own.
We are to respect him for his "strength" and his "honesty."
He coulda' been on Oprah if them po'lice woulda' blown some air back in him!
F
freshguy
Guest
This is a good one
antelopedundee
internet bum
A woman went into a pet shop, and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said “$50.00”.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about it, but then she decided she to go ahead and purchase the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, waiting for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at the woman, and exclaimed, “New house - new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.” Then she began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came through the front door, arriving home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith!”
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about it, but then she decided she to go ahead and purchase the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, waiting for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at the woman, and exclaimed, “New house - new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.” Then she began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came through the front door, arriving home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith!”