we need a humor forum.....until then

> A Hotel guest calls the
> Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help
> you?"
>
> The man
> says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send
> someone to my room immediately. I'm having an
> argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump
> out the window."
>
> The desk
> clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a
> personal matter."
>
> The man
> replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't
> open... and that's a maintenance
> matter."
 
HOW DO YOU BRAIN WASH A LIBERAL ???


,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
give him an enema.....
 
obama called the constitutuion an "outdated" and "deeply flawed" document.


didn't he take an oath to uphold the constitution ?


he must have thought the word was "holdup".
 
In Russia

Putin is back in the Kremlin after his meeting with Obama in New York. He tells an aide he invited Obama for a game of chess. And then he tells it how it works: “It’s like playing with a pigeon. First it knocks over all the pieces, then it ****s on the board and finally struts around like it won.”
 
Real Man

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator under one arm and a baseball bat in the other hand. He motions everyone to come up to the bar.

He sets the alligator down on the bar. He then takes the baseball bat and with all his strength hits the alligator on the head.

The alligator slowly opens his mouth. The guy gets up on the bar, kneeling in front of the alligator. He unzips his fly and places his johnson in the alligator's mouth. He looks around and the bar -- it is dead silent and everyone stares with disbelief at the foolish thing he has done.

He then raises the baseball bat with both hands and slams the alligator on the head again. The alligator slowly closes his jaws, but stops right at the guy's meat.

He looks around again and people are sweating and shaking. He turns back to the alligator and hits him over the head again. The alligator slowly opens his mouth. The man stands up, puts his stuff away and zips up his fly.

He looks around the room and asks "Any of you guys want to try that?"

From the back of the room one man steps forward and timidly replies: "Sure, but do you have to hit me on the head with the bat?"
 
Two blokes were passing two dogs and saw that one was licking himself.

One bloke said to the other, "Don't you wish you could do that?"

And the reply was "Yes but he might bite me....!!"
 
I stole this joke from Dennis Sorenson.

A guy is checking in to a motel, asks the lady behind the counter “are the porn channels disabled?” Woman replies “no you sick ba$tard, it’s just regular porn”.
 
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
 
divorced barbie

One day a father, on his way home from work, suddenly remembered that
it's his daughter's birthday. He stopped at a toy store, went in, and
asked the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the
display window?'

The salesperson answered, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work
Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for
$19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater
Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asked, 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?'

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered,
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's
Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's
Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'
 
Texas Sheriff's Exam
>
> A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
> When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
> After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
> The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
>
> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
>
> six illegal aliens,
> six ambulance-chasing lawyers,
> six meth dealers,
> six Muslim extremists,
> six Democrats,
> and a rabbit."
>
> "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
>
> "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
> GOD, I LOVE TEXAS
 
My favourite joke on Youtube

This is an old video showing former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke after our America's Cup win.

Funny, a politician with a sense of humour! But he is an unusual guy, he also set a world beer drinking record while he was at University at Oxford.

Hope you like it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GesFxg1R4K0
 
Safe and sound

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.
 
the long kiss goodbye

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who were trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . .whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey. That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed
 
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping




A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and a...s they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 
Dunnypaper

DUNNYPAPER

A man walks into the bedroom and sees his wife rubbing lotion on her breasts.

"What in the world are you doing?", he asks.

"If I rub this lotion on my boobs they are supposed to grow.", she said.

"Why not use dunny paper?" he asked.

She replied "What do you mean?"

"Well, you been wiping your arse with that for years and look how big IT is!"

Merry Xmas from Oz *doghunter*
 
With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
 
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.
His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out. I'm actually studying to be a doctor"
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what sort of doctor he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say gynecologist."
 
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