we need a humor forum.....until then

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"
If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but with some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in...
 
at the bar

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you Federal or State?"
 
in a dark Texas bar....

So I'm chuckling over an anecdote that just popped up re an Iowan dude whupping up on Ted Cruz tonite on a foosball table in a church basement at the presidential caucus and it put me into a Texas frame of mind.

And Texans DO have a certain frame of mind........

Seems a Texan in a dark bar leans into the neighboring shadow and asks "Hey, wanna hear a good blond joke?" To which the 'shadow' replies "well, I'm a blonde myself, 6' 6" and 325lb I compete in UFC and kickboxing. My blond girlfriend here's just a little ol' thang at 6' 1" and not a bunch over two hunnerd, but she's a triathlete who boxes some on the side. She just likes to get dirty. Our buddy over here in the corner is an ex-wrestler with a headache who just got off from his bouncing job, he kept getting into it with these three guys callin' him "Hulky Hogan." We came by to pick him up, we're all headed over to the big brawl at the Toyota center to meet some friends backstage...... you still wanna' tell that blond joke?"

Texas scratches his head and ponders..... "wellll, prob'ly not bein's you guys are runnin' late, and I'd have to explain it three times.."
 
The Old Priest

An old priest lay dying in a hospital.

He had served the people of the nation’s capital for many years.

He motioned for the nurse to come near.

“Yes father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama before I die” whispered the priest.

“I will see what I can do” said the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Washington and waited for a response.

Soon an answer came back; Both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they were driven to the hospital Hillary commented to Obama “I don’t know why this old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help my election prospects”.

Obama agreed it was a good thing.

When the arrived at the priest’s room the priest took
Hillary’s hand in his right hand and Obama’s hand in his left hand.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Obama spoke “Father of all people you could have chosen, why did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?”

The old priest slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life and behavior after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

“Amen” said Hillary.

“Amen” said Obama.

The old priest continued “Jesus Christ our savior died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same”
 
They said it couldn't be done...

They said it couldn't be done!

With a smile he went right to it.

He was trying something that couldn't be done

And he couldn't do it...
 
Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
 
Little Johnny is at it again....

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell
me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase, "To be or not to be, that is the
question"?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to
study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay," said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay," said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F'ng Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday."


Have a wonderful day.......LOL
 
Some say the dog is mans best friend, some say a woman is mans best friend. Take them out and tie each to a tree and leave over night. When you go out in the morning see who is happy to see you.
 
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.



This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"



She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."
 
One From Oz

Bluey and his mate used to go to the pub each Friday night for a few beers.
One night Bluey turned up alone.
"Where's your mate" said the publican.
"Well he got burned pretty bad the other day" said Bluey
"Oh Dear" said the publican, "I suppose he won't be in for a few weeks"
"Longer than that" Said Bluey
"Them crematoriums do a bloody good job"

* doghunter *
 
Little Johnny Thinks Politics

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive Salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very Good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." "They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!'"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a Toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts. Bless his heart.
 
The priest and the rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the fool out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
 
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We also listen in Oz

This is a true story.

I work with elderly people as a volunteer.

Yesterday, a group were playing 500 (a card game).

I happened to hear the bidding, it went 4 spades then to 4 Donalds.

Intrigued I asked the oldies (they are all over 80) "What's 4 Donalds?"

Sweet little old lady said: "4 No Trumps"

Not bad considering that we are in Australia!

* doghunter *
 
Political? You be the judge.

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:



"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I simply blew it".
 
forgiveness

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville , NC.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night,
I beat the ever-living out of an American flag burning, cop hating,
Obama-Clinton loving protester."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
 
Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in
a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to
the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number.
And then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

'Go get your Mother'
 
mayday ,mayday

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
 
Bacon and Eggs

BACON AND EGGS
--------------
A bacon and egg breakfast illustrates the difference between involved and
committed. The chicken was involved. The pig was committed.

* doghunter *
 
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