we need a humor forum.....until then

doghunter said:
More ladies talking in Heaven.

"So what did you die of Elma?"
"It was the big H"
Oh, heart attack, so sad

"So what did you die of Marie?
"It was the big C"
Oh, cancer, my condolences

"So what did you die of Condoleeza"
"It was the big G"
'Big G' "What's that?"
"Gonorrhea"
"But people don't die of gonorrhea nowadays"

"You do if you give it to LeRoy"
Click to expand...

"So what did you die of Elma?"
"It was the big H"
Oh, heart attack, so sad

"So what did you die of Marie?
"It was the big C"
Oh, cancer, my condolences

"So what did you die of Harry"

"It was a seenus problem"

You mean sinus problems don't you?

No, it was seenus. I was with my neighbor's wife and he seen us.
 
What`s the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a girls track team? A tribe of Pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.:D
 
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’

Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

’Never, ’ said Ralph.

’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . .

"Ralph! Wake up you dirty old bar'stid. You're shXXXing the bed!!"
 
When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day, Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor when you get to heaven. Somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.
A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

“In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died are here too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it's always summertime and it never rains. And, best of all, we can play golf all we want and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the greats of the past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."
 
Cell phone conversation.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:


"Hi sweetheart, it’s Sue. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".


"No honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".


"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"


Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.


When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
 
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."
 
For Guy Pike and Charles Ellertson

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
 
Stevie and Tiger

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
 
Dave Coots said:
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
Click to expand...

THAT is friggin' BEAUTEOUS!!

LOL
 
Late Halloween

A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 
The Frank Feldman Story

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi that is just going by.

He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says. "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman, he's a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won a Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell, there's more.” He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f*cking wife!"
 
True story.

DNA test results.

Got mine a while back. Tried looking for any kin of my Grandmother. None so far. Born on a reservation so not much chance of her being born and it being recorded. More than likely squirted out under a bush somewhere.

Got after the wife to get her DNA tested. Got her results today.:) She was told she was part Sioux Indian. You can NOW officially call her Pocahontas OR Elizabeth Warren. (ZERO % Indian)
She will be running for political office starting tomorrow morning. At least she's got my vote. :cool::cool::cool:
 
Seats in a Ford Truck

I stopped by the Ford dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2018 F-150 aluminum, pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.
The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a "RESIST" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its' "wonderful options".
The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats direct warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck?

I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.
 
( off topic, but did you know that is a MEDICAL TERM/PROCEDURE. yes at one time blowing smoke up your butt was a medical procedure! remember that the next time you hear the term "practicing medicine")
 
retired said:
( off topic, but did you know that is a MEDICAL TERM/PROCEDURE. yes at one time blowing smoke up your butt was a medical procedure! remember that the next time you hear the term "practicing medicine")
Click to expand...

Yes I knew that...... more to the point, I/ME/MYSELF and my wife useta' blow cigarette smoke into our kid's ears when they got an ear infection. It took the pain away.

This was back when smoking wasn't a sin, we smoked in houses and restaurants and aeroplanes. And in hospital rooms for good measure....

Now those kids are healthy productive adults all

how weird is that?
 
Two Mates Fishing

Johhno and Bluey were sitting by the lake fishing when a funeral procession slowly passed by.
Johnno stood up, removed his hat and stood reverently until the procession had passed.
Bluey was astounded, never before had his mate acted with such respect, so he mentioned it to Johhno.
Johhno replied "Well old mate, she was married to me for 50 years so it seemed like the right thing to do"
 
two jokes

I recently read and obituary that stated the man had died of a Viagra overdose. It also stated his wife took if really hard.

A young boy of 7 had extremely bad diarrhea and asked his mom for Viagra to cure it.
His mom wanted to know why he thought Viagra would help?
His reply, isn't that what you give dad when his s**t won't get hard?
 
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