Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
Drop kick me Jesus thru the Goal Post of life.
antelopedundee
internet bum
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
antelopedundee
internet bum
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
antelopedundee
internet bum
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
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antelopedundee
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I'm finer than a frog hair split 4 ways, been out of town.
antelopedundee
internet bum
LITTLE JOHNNY AND I PRESUME!
"I Presume"
A school teacher asks her students to make a sentence containing the expression
"I presume."
One little girl raises her hand and says, "Yesterday, my mother hand washed the
dinner dishes and I presume the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good," responds the teacher.
Another student says, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage and I presume the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.
Little Johnny in the back of the classroom gets up and says,
"Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he
was headed for the woods, so I presume . "
The teacher interrupts him and says, "I stopped you because you have no idea what
your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says,
"Please, teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well, continue."
Little Johnny continues and says, "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa head for
the woods with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to
take a crap because he can't read."
"I Presume"
A school teacher asks her students to make a sentence containing the expression
"I presume."
One little girl raises her hand and says, "Yesterday, my mother hand washed the
dinner dishes and I presume the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good," responds the teacher.
Another student says, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage and I presume the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.
Little Johnny in the back of the classroom gets up and says,
"Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he
was headed for the woods, so I presume . "
The teacher interrupts him and says, "I stopped you because you have no idea what
your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says,
"Please, teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well, continue."
Little Johnny continues and says, "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa head for
the woods with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to
take a crap because he can't read."
antelopedundee
internet bum
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small
bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the
horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet
on...
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and
blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The
punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long
you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you
blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small
bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the
horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet
on...
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and
blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The
punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long
you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you
blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
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antelopedundee
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antelopedundee
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antelopedundee
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antelopedundee
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antelopedundee
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