we need a humor forum.....until then

Good bye cruel world

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

Brad is a registered California Democrat
 
Sounds like Brad was a victim of the World shifting on it's axis a few degrees and everything loose rolled to California.
 
One of our left wing liberal City attorneys: His wife drives a Prius Hybrid. She's not too smart.
Ran her Prius out of gas THEN ran the Hybrid battery dead. (DUH!!!)
Front wheel drive with a pair of axle boots torn open and the CV joints were BONE DRY of lube.
Wanted to know if it was safe to drive it that way up to Oregon to see her Mother??? Another DUH???
Me with only 50+ years experience in the automotive trades , my NO advice wasn't good enough so she waited 5 more days till the boss got back from vacation so he could also tell her NO!! Some people.:(
 
what do you call

what do you call 50 lesbians and 50 senators in one room ????
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x100 people that don't do dick
 
What is the most dangerous question in the world to be asked, because it has no safe answer?
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"Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?"


* doggie *
 
Local Cops

I have a roadblock 300m from my home near the NSW-Vic border. It is to check anybody crossing the border in case they come from a covid hotspot (We still have the occasional one in Oz).

Feeling in a cheeky mood the conversation went like this.

Cop. "Good afternoon sir, where have you just travelled from?"

Me. "My mum told me not to talk to strangers"

Cop. "If you do not answer you may be turned around or be arrested and taken to the nearest police station"

Me. "My mum also told me not to get into their car"

After a few smiles and an id check all was cool so I went home, gotta love Australian cops, most of them are pretty nice people.

This is a true story.

* doggie *
 
A wealthy donor to politicians spoke to a recipient of his donations, demanding the Congressman give a job to the donor’s son.

The Congressman asked the donor, “What can your son do? Does he have any talents or skills?”

“Nope, not a thing,” replied the dad.

“Great!” Said the Congressman. “We won’t have to train him.”
 
Churches vs squirrels

Churches vs squirrels



The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
 
A man is drinking at a bar, when a very attractive blonde lady in quite a skimpy dress moves in next to him.
"Mmmmm, she said, you smell nice....what have you got on?"

To which he replied..

"Actually I've got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it!"
 
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Sunday morning....

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in a nearby pew
saying a prayer.

She was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

“Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my
favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite
television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from ‘Your Show of Shows’;
my favorite singer from the 50’s, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels
and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from
sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe
Bryant.”

“I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden,
Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer."
 
When I was in church I heard a little girl who said. "Dear God, can you please send some clothes for the ladies on grandpa's computer"

*doggie*
 
Bottle Of Merlot

Dave asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated Dave with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at Dave, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to Dave.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants.

After reading the note, Dave decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: “Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes CL600 in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and share portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. JUST SEND THE WINE BACK!"
 
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