we need a humor forum.....until then

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for town.


Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow," he says.


Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here."


Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, young lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple...by the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence.


Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?"


As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(Once in a while, it's nice to see a blonde win)
 
Hi Everyone.

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter and yacht for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 31st) morning from San Diego and will fly to Cuba where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast and then flying back to San Diego in time for dinner.

If interested please pm me..

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
 
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,


"Yesterday we were campaigning,





Today, you voted.."
 
Nervous virgin

After 40 years, the nervous virgin finally got up the nerve to visit a brothel. After coming to an agreement with the madam and picking a girl, they went upstairs. The girl disrobed, and waited as he undressed. As he pulled off his socks, she noticed his toes, which were all gnarly and crooked.
"What happened to your toes?"
"Oh, I had Tolio as a child."
As he takes off his pants, she sees that his knees are all mishapen and scarred.
"What happened to your knees?"
"Oh, I had Kneesles."
Finally, he takes off his underwear, and turns to face her.
Dead silence, then . . .
"Let me guess, Smallcox?"
 
Penis Enlarger

Saw an add in a magazine for a penis enlarger guaranteed to work. The price was $49.99. I thought, what the heck , $49.99 and it's guaranteed to work, so I ordered it. They sent me a freakin magnifying glass.
 
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The difference between involved and committed

The difference between involved and committed is like bacon and eggs.

The chicken was involved, the pig was committed :cool:
 
Teacher put a large map of Australia on the blackboard and asked the class if anybody could show where Tasmania was.

Mary put her hand up, walked to the map and pointed to the large island just below the south east corner of Australia.

Teacher said "Well done Mary" and told her to resume her seat.

Teacher then asked if anybody knew who discovered Tasmania and little Johnny's hand shot up so teacher said "OK Johhny, so who discovered Tasmania"?

"Mary did"
 
On the train

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realized she was 'going commando'. She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied. "It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss. The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned and looking amazed, he asked, "You're kiddin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"
 
We CAN Reform Criminals...

We CAN Reform Criminals...

It’s official.
After 6 burglaries, 3 car thefts, multiple illegal trespasses, an ongoing cocaine and alcohol addiction, committing 2 violent home invasions, 3 armed robberies, dealing Fentanyl and Meth, passing counterfeit money, beating 4 victims senseless and being arrested 23 times since 1998, George Floyd has not committed a crime in four months now…
 
I was in the McLean VA Giant food store.
A women was being absolutely obnoxious to the clerk.

"Don't you know who I am?
My husband is a US Senator."

The poor clerk stayed clam, looked at her, and said "There are a hundred of you in Washington.
Your card did not go through. The office is over there."
The lady realized that while she might be a big deal in whatever state she was from, she is just like
everyone else at the local grocery store.

Other people in the line started clapping.
 
the pearly gates on christmas eve

A Christmas Story


Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said, 'In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle,’ he said. Saint Peter said 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Air Force pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'They had a ring to them; you may pass through the pearly gates.’

The Marine pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so, my friends, the Christmas Season Begins...
 
rsmithsr said:
A Christmas Story


Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said, 'In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle,’ he said. Saint Peter said 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Air Force pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'They had a ring to them; you may pass through the pearly gates.’

The Marine pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so, my friends, the Christmas Season Begins...
Click to expand...
i remember her.
 
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