antelopedundee
internet bum
I read somewhere it it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
antelopedundee
internet bum
Trump brought civility to to the White House. I was there and all the staff were saying "pardon me".
Tim Oltersdorf
Active member
Magnifying glass please
. Dave does have a little something on/in his hands and it isn't time.
the process is simple:
magnifying glass in one hand.
sprinkle pepper in shorts,
when "IT" sneezes,
grab it with tweezers
magnifying glass in one hand.
sprinkle pepper in shorts,
when "IT" sneezes,
grab it with tweezers
Tim Oltersdorf
Active member
The Ultimate Cure
An old girlfriend told me about the best cure for crabs: Shave 1/2 of your pubic hair off. Set the other half on fire. Stab them with an ice pick as they run out.
An old girlfriend told me about the best cure for crabs: Shave 1/2 of your pubic hair off. Set the other half on fire. Stab them with an ice pick as they run out.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
The best Pubs are Irish
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
antelopedundee
internet bum
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "CHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "CHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
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dmort
Active member
A Minnesota joke
Three Swedes were hunting in the winter snow when one of them saw some tracks. "It's a deer track", said Olaf. "I don't think so", said Sven. "It's an Elk track". "Your both wrong," said Sig "It's a moose track."
While standing there arguing they were run over by a train.
Three Swedes were hunting in the winter snow when one of them saw some tracks. "It's a deer track", said Olaf. "I don't think so", said Sven. "It's an Elk track". "Your both wrong," said Sig "It's a moose track."
While standing there arguing they were run over by a train.
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antelopedundee
internet bum
Sven, A train went by here.
Ole, How do you know that?
Sven, It left its tracks.
Ole, How do you know that?
Sven, It left its tracks.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
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Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Jesus walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer.
A guy at a table calls the bartender over and asks: "Is that really Jesus sitting there?" The bartender replies that it is. The patron asks the bartender to bring Jesus a beer and put it on his tab. The bartender does so and Jesus acknowledges with a friendly nod of the head.
Another customer notices Jesus and motions the bartender over. "Hey...is that really God's boy sittin' there?" The bartender affirms that it is indeed, Jesus. The man asks the bartender to bring Jesus a beer and put it on his bill. The bartender does so and Jesus again responds with a smile and a nod to the man.
The first customer gets up to leave and as he walks by Jesus on his way to the door, Jesus turns to him and says: "Thank you for your kindness toward a complete stranger. I see you have hearing aids." Jesus touches the mans ears with his hands and removes the hearing aids. Miraculously, the man's hearing has returned to normal! The man thanks Jesus and leaves the bar a changed man.
A few minutes later, the second customer gets up to leave and makes his way past Jesus to the door. Jesus thanks him for his kindness, adding: "I see you walk with a cane and have a back brace on." Jesus gently reaches toward the man to put his hands on the man's back.
Suddenly, the man twists away, retreats a few steps and says to Jesus:
"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"
A guy at a table calls the bartender over and asks: "Is that really Jesus sitting there?" The bartender replies that it is. The patron asks the bartender to bring Jesus a beer and put it on his tab. The bartender does so and Jesus acknowledges with a friendly nod of the head.
Another customer notices Jesus and motions the bartender over. "Hey...is that really God's boy sittin' there?" The bartender affirms that it is indeed, Jesus. The man asks the bartender to bring Jesus a beer and put it on his bill. The bartender does so and Jesus again responds with a smile and a nod to the man.
The first customer gets up to leave and as he walks by Jesus on his way to the door, Jesus turns to him and says: "Thank you for your kindness toward a complete stranger. I see you have hearing aids." Jesus touches the mans ears with his hands and removes the hearing aids. Miraculously, the man's hearing has returned to normal! The man thanks Jesus and leaves the bar a changed man.
A few minutes later, the second customer gets up to leave and makes his way past Jesus to the door. Jesus thanks him for his kindness, adding: "I see you walk with a cane and have a back brace on." Jesus gently reaches toward the man to put his hands on the man's back.
Suddenly, the man twists away, retreats a few steps and says to Jesus:
"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
Without getting too political, politicians are getting the virus shot BEFORE/AHEAD of other folks because they are listed as "essential workers"? Now that's funny right there!!
antelopedundee
internet bum
Without getting too political, politicians are getting the virus shot BEFORE/AHEAD of other folks because they are listed as "essential workers"? Now that's funny right there!!
Essentially useless.
rona
Why does the Indian cricket team not have to go into quarantine?
>>>>
Because they can't catch anything that comes from a bat.
Note, this is an Aussie joke so feel free to replace 'Indian cricket team' with your lousiest baseball team if you happen to live in the ex-British colony of the US of A
* doggie *
Why does the Indian cricket team not have to go into quarantine?
>>>>
Because they can't catch anything that comes from a bat.
Note, this is an Aussie joke so feel free to replace 'Indian cricket team' with your lousiest baseball team if you happen to live in the ex-British colony of the US of A
* doggie *
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
