antelopedundee
internet bum
Butch Lambert
Active member
I guess that I'm too old to see the humor!
antelopedundee
internet bum
What do you see?
Butch Lambert
Active member
FBecigneul
Member
I’m with Butch. I see a failed attempt at humor by a Democrat.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. .....
Now give me back my dog.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. .....
Now give me back my dog.
antelopedundee
internet bum
I registered as a Republican for the Iowa primary. Normally I'm a GDI, but for the primary one as to choose a party. The only time I ever voted for a Democrat was Neal Smith and that be cause he was a 2A supporter. I don't have to toe any party line. I'd vote for a cow pie before I'd vote for either of the 2 choices. I'll echo John Kelly when he lamented the lack of choices on the one side.
antelopedundee
internet bum
I'm probably older than you are.
antelopedundee
internet bum
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."
FBecigneul
Member
Well Dee, you took it personally. I was talking about the cartoonist.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
The wife sees the Farmer come running across the plowed field as fast as he can. He runs in the house and tells the wife, "Get your cloths off and get in bed. I've got the urge". She peels off her cloth, jumps in bed and the Farmer says "Too late, it won't work anymore".
VERY disappointed he tells the wife "The next time you see me come running across the field as fast as I can, get necked and jump in bed cause I'AM READY"!
Couple of weeks later, she looks out the kitchen window and here comes the Farmer running across the plowed field as fast as he can go. The wife rips off all her cloths and jumps in bed.
The Farmer comes busting in the house and yells at his wife, "Get your lazy ass out of bed woman, the barns on fire".
VERY disappointed he tells the wife "The next time you see me come running across the field as fast as I can, get necked and jump in bed cause I'AM READY"!
Couple of weeks later, she looks out the kitchen window and here comes the Farmer running across the plowed field as fast as he can go. The wife rips off all her cloths and jumps in bed.
The Farmer comes busting in the house and yells at his wife, "Get your lazy ass out of bed woman, the barns on fire".
Bob1949
Member
Humor
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the person
behind me leaned on there horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.
So when I got to the first window I paid for there order along with my own.
The cashier must have told them what I'd done, because as we moved up they leaned
out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously
embarrassed that I had repaid there rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took there food also.
Now they had to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the person
behind me leaned on there horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.
So when I got to the first window I paid for there order along with my own.
The cashier must have told them what I'd done, because as we moved up they leaned
out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously
embarrassed that I had repaid there rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took there food also.
Now they had to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
Little Jimmy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Jimmy down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Jimmy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Jimmy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Jimmy brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Jimmy got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Jimmy looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Jimmy looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Jimmy down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Jimmy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Jimmy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Jimmy brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Jimmy got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Jimmy looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Jimmy looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
