R
retired
Guest
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Maybach and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bulltin' me! "
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it!"
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Maybach and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bulltin' me! "
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it!"
R
retired
Guest
Donna trump!
TOO FUNNY !!!!
WHAT A FABULOUS IDEA!!!!
When one tries to "reason" with a lefty democrat, remember
you are dealing with a person that believes that a man can
be a woman and a woman can be a man and that such a
delusion should be encouraged, not discouraged.
Discouragement of the delusion is considered immoral and
bigoted. Thus our society has unnecessary dilemmas
concerning bathrooms, athletic competition at all levels, and
"pronoun" controversies subjecting ourselves to all manner of
laws, rules, regulation and more needless government control...
Here is a suggestion to break the left's ridiculous gender
ideology and denial of biological reality:
President Trump should make a declaration that he is identifying
as a woman. The left will have to admit the absurdity of their gender
ideology or accept and celebrate "Donna Trump" as the first woman
President, thus beating Hillary, Liz Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala
Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand etal to the glorious goal of one of their "female
firsts". Furthermore, if he remains married to Melania he will also be
the first gay president and the first lesbian president. He will also be
the first lesbian president married to an immigrant!
What a glorious event for the democrats to celebrate.
TOO FUNNY !!!!
WHAT A FABULOUS IDEA!!!!
When one tries to "reason" with a lefty democrat, remember
you are dealing with a person that believes that a man can
be a woman and a woman can be a man and that such a
delusion should be encouraged, not discouraged.
Discouragement of the delusion is considered immoral and
bigoted. Thus our society has unnecessary dilemmas
concerning bathrooms, athletic competition at all levels, and
"pronoun" controversies subjecting ourselves to all manner of
laws, rules, regulation and more needless government control...
Here is a suggestion to break the left's ridiculous gender
ideology and denial of biological reality:
President Trump should make a declaration that he is identifying
as a woman. The left will have to admit the absurdity of their gender
ideology or accept and celebrate "Donna Trump" as the first woman
President, thus beating Hillary, Liz Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala
Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand etal to the glorious goal of one of their "female
firsts". Furthermore, if he remains married to Melania he will also be
the first gay president and the first lesbian president. He will also be
the first lesbian president married to an immigrant!
What a glorious event for the democrats to celebrate.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.
"Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "hmmmmm..........This goes higher up than I thought!..."
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.
"Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "hmmmmm..........This goes higher up than I thought!..."
A bloke was sitting on the lounge when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That's because I found a piece of paper in your jeans with 'Jennifer' written on it" was the reply.
"That's the name of a horse I wanted to back" was his reply.
A few weeks later she hit him on the head with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"You're horse just called" was the reply.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That's because I found a piece of paper in your jeans with 'Jennifer' written on it" was the reply.
"That's the name of a horse I wanted to back" was his reply.
A few weeks later she hit him on the head with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"You're horse just called" was the reply.
The Pastor
A woman is amazed by a pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.
“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.
“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
A woman is amazed by a pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.
“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.
“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Girlfriend
How do you know when your girlfriend is gaining weight?
She fits in your wife's clothing.
How do you know when your girlfriend is gaining weight?
She fits in your wife's clothing.
FBecigneul
Member
Oooohh, That’s bad.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapo Rub over turned on the highway.
Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours.
Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours.
Maude and Claude
Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...
..
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'
Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...
..
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Mohammad
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your
heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the crap out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two friggin Muslims."
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your
heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the crap out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two friggin Muslims."
You mean like fookin? That’s precious
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Golfer
#1
A man tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold.
The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's unconscious!"
"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"
#1
A man tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold.
The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's unconscious!"
"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"
The Anniversary
It's 5:30 am, on her twentieth wedding anniversary, and she wakes to silence from the bed next to her. Wondering where her husband is, she dons her robe, and checks the bathroom, then the study, and finally finds him in the kitchen, staring sadly out the window, at the just rising sun. She asks if he's ok, and gets met with a sad sounding "yes". She ask why he sounds so sad, and he responds ever so slowly and thoughtfully. "Do you remember, twenty years ago, when your father caught us together in the back seat of my car? Now noticing the glisten of tears in his eyes, her heart gets overwhelmed with emotion at his display of feeling of remembrance of those moments, and their wedding, and the memories they've made together. She replies with "Yes, and I've never been so happy to be with you."
And his reply, almost lost in the gut-wrenching sobs that start at that moment....."I would be getting out of prison today."
Roger
It's 5:30 am, on her twentieth wedding anniversary, and she wakes to silence from the bed next to her. Wondering where her husband is, she dons her robe, and checks the bathroom, then the study, and finally finds him in the kitchen, staring sadly out the window, at the just rising sun. She asks if he's ok, and gets met with a sad sounding "yes". She ask why he sounds so sad, and he responds ever so slowly and thoughtfully. "Do you remember, twenty years ago, when your father caught us together in the back seat of my car? Now noticing the glisten of tears in his eyes, her heart gets overwhelmed with emotion at his display of feeling of remembrance of those moments, and their wedding, and the memories they've made together. She replies with "Yes, and I've never been so happy to be with you."
And his reply, almost lost in the gut-wrenching sobs that start at that moment....."I would be getting out of prison today."
Roger
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
In bed with my blind girlfriend
She says " you're huge down there."
I answer " you're pulling my leg."
She says " you're huge down there."
I answer " you're pulling my leg."
McTavish is on his death bed. He calls over his friend Hamish and says, “I have a bottle of 25-year-old whisky under my pillow. When I’m dead would you do me a kindness and pour it over my grave?”
“Of course I will,” replies Hamish. “Tho I'll be passin' it over me' kidneys first.”
“Of course I will,” replies Hamish. “Tho I'll be passin' it over me' kidneys first.”