we need a humor forum.....until then

Monica Lewinsky woes

Poor Monica Lewinsky cannot get a break. She uses the services of a crusty old dry cleaner who is hard of hearing. He rarely uses his hearing aids and customers have to repeat their orders several times which is very annoying.
Monica brings in several items to be dry cleaned. She says to the owner; 'I would like to have these dry cleaned'.

The owner turns his good ear toward her and she repeats her request. He asks for further clarification by saying; 'come again?'

To which Monica replies; 'no; mustard!'
 
Did you hear about the Senatorial spelling bee with Ted Kennedy, Al Gore and Al Franken? Gore won. He was the only one who knew that her ass was one word!
 
So these two cows are out lying in a field and they're having a good gossip. The subject rolls around to health concerns for cattle, and the first cow says to the second cow, "So, what do you think of this mad cow disease? Shame, isn't it?" The second cow stares at the first cow for a second and then rolls her eyes. "Why should I care?" she says. "I'm a helicopter!"
 
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day.

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"
 
I was getting poked by all the old folks at wedding and telling me “your next”
So I started doing it to them at funerals
 
I'm not sure this is funny but......

you know you're getting old when;


You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, but you’re not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
 
Sammy, a former vaudeville performer, turned 80 and moves into the Retirement Home for Comedians.

Every morning begins with a joke session around the breakfast table. Sol gets up and says "Number 64." Everyone in the hall laughs uproariously, except Sammy. Sammy turns to Sol and says, "I didn't hear any joke. What's everybody laughing about?"

"These are all professional comedians," says his friend. "They don't need to hear jokes. They all know the jokes so well, they've given every joke a number. They just get up and say the number. It saves time."

Another resident gets up and says, "Number one hundred forty three," and again, everyone in the room cracks up.

"Can I try it?" Sammy asks,

"Of course," Sol says.

So Sammy stands up and he says, "Number fifteen." The room is deathly silent. Nobody laughs. Sammy is so embarrassed, he sits back down.

He leans over to Sol and asks, "Isn't fifteen a good joke?"

Sol responds, "Oh sure, it's a great joke....you just don't know how to tell it..."
 
At another of those comedian homes, they behaved in exactly the same way, but with restraint. If somebody called out "number 15" there would be chuckles all round & maybe a soft hand clap or two.

A young fellow visiting his uncle had all this explained to him, but much later, when somebody called "number 37", there was the usual muted response all round except for one guy who rolled on the ground laughing.

"What happened then?", he asked his uncle, to be told "Oh, he mustn't have heard that joke before."
 
I Have been married nine times

Let me tell you what was wrong with each

(1) My first wife was a musician. All she wanted to do was sing to it
(2) My second wife was a doctor. All she wanted to do was examine it.
(3) My third wife was a politician. All she wanted to do was make promises.
(4) My fourth wife was a psychiatrist. All she wanted to do was talk about it.
(5) My fifth wife was a photographer. All she wanted to do was take pictures of it.
(6) My six wife was an electrician. All she wanted to do was check my shorts.
(7) My seventh wife was a hairdresser. All she wanted to do was tease it.
(8) My eight wife was a gourmet. All she wanted to do was taste it.
(9) My ninth wife is the one I am married to now. I like her the Best, She’s a Mechanic. She tore me up the first night and shes been working on it ever since
 
Last edited:
gabe ledesma said:
Let me tell you what was wrong with each

(1) My first husband was a musician. All he wanted to do was sing to it
(2) My second husband was a doctor. All he wanted to do was examine it.
(3) My third husband was a politician. All he wanted to do was make promises.
(4) My fourth husband was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do was talk about it.
(5) My fifth husband was a photographer. All he wanted to do was take pictures of it.
(6) My six husband was an electrician. All he wanted to do was check my shorts.
(7) My seventh husband was a hairdresser. All he wanted to do was tease it.
(8) My eight husband was a gourmet. Are you wanted to do was taste it.
(9) My ninth husband is the one I am married to now. I like him the Best. He is a bench rest shooter
and a mechanic. He tore it up the first night and he’s been working on it ever since
Click to expand...


Well,

the first thing ya' done wrong Gabe is the "husband" part, next time you get'cherself a WIFE and you're in for a real treat!
 
hope I don't get ostracized

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
 
Thermodynamics

Thermodynamics has always interested me in the respect that it can explain things like sections of welded pipeline pushing themselves off the support skids on a hot summer day due to expansion.
I have decided this expansion principal applies to my body, therefore I am not fat, I am HOT.
 
Lunch Today

So after church me'an The Wife went out for lunch..... there was this guy setting just down from us just smiling and looking around, hands folded, totally relaxed, no cellphone, no laptop, no notebook, no I-pad no NOTHING!


Just SETTING THERE........


like a psychopath
 
post surgery questions

“ You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex
life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."
 
alinwa said:
So after church me'an The Wife went out for lunch..... there was this guy setting just down from us just smiling and looking around, hands folded, totally relaxed, no cellphone, no laptop, no notebook, no I-pad no NOTHING!


Just SETTING THERE........


like a psychopath
Click to expand...

Too true!
 
retired said:
“ You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex
life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."
Click to expand...

Now, that's funny!
 
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