we need a humor forum.....until then

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE:
"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do..."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?"(with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence--

HUSBAND:
"."
 
Subject: FW: A father told each of his 3 sons

A father told each of his 3 sons as he sent them off to college, “I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”



And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.



First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.
 
ball gane

Ball Game






Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it.

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you"!$#@&!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that; I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first 'pitch'."
 
Very Short Gun Storyhttp://www.coltautos.com/images/1911_Navy_109967i.jpg







A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown

Washington, D.C. waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out;



"I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.



I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?"



A female voice from the back of the room called out,



"You Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton".
 
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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was considered “work” and how much of it was “fun?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of fun, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% fun.”

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked “Why?”

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
 
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
 
Little Tommy

A little boy had a flask of acid and was merrily releasing drops onto ants on the pavement, watching them dissolve.

A Priest saw this...

"My son, my son, you cannot take it upon yourself to destroy one of God's creatures. We were all created equal in the eyes
of the Lord."

"Oh!" The boy said and continued dissolving ants.

"I tell you what..." said the priest. "I'll trade you this vial of Holy Water for you flask of acid."

"What's so good about Holy Water?"

"I rubbed some of this on a pregnant woman's belly and she passed a baby." The priest said with satisfaction.

"Yeah...Well I put some of this on my mate Tom's dog's balls and it passed a motorbike."

 
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
 
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar
in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large
Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

"Are – my – test – results - back....!"
 
retired said:
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar
in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large
Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Click to expand...

And THIS is exactly why this new era of PC crap is KILLING humor and culture :)

I collect things Asimov.

Isaac Asimov was a Jew.

Isaac was a Jewish humorist.

He wrote books on and about humor.

He EXPLORED humor and things humorous.....

He especially analyzed and reveled in JEWISH humor.

And THAT was/is a quintessentially JEWISH joke, absolutely breathtaking.

Thank You.
 
An elderly woman called her husband on his cell phone while he was driving home.

She said "be careful on the interstate...the news said there is someone driving on the wrong side of the highway."

He replied..."it's not just one car dear...it's hundreds of them."
 
Bass player with migraines

A world famous bass player goes to the doctor to get medical help for migraines he has been having. The doctor tells him of all the medical options and medications available, none sound very good to the bass player and he asks the doctor if he has anything else. The doctor tells him the he also has this problem. "when I get a migraine I go find my wife and stop her from what ever she is doing and we have sex. When we are finished my migraines are gone." The bass player thanks the doctor and goes on his way. He returns for his follow up visit in 2 weeks and tells the doctor "It worked just like you said, when we were through my migraine was gone. And by the way you have a lovely home."
 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 
Ladies talking in Heaven

More ladies talking in Heaven.

"So what did you die of Elma?"
"It was the big H"
Oh, heart attack, so sad

"So what did you die of Marie?
"It was the big C"
Oh, cancer, my condolences

"So what did you die of Condoleeza"
"It was the big G"
'Big G' "What's that?"
"Gonorrhea"
"But people don't die of gonorrhea nowadays"

"You do if you give it to LeRoy"
 
I'm a concrete guy so bear with me....this may not be funny but it could be true....

So this concrete truck driver finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him St Peter is asking folks what happened, where they were from and why they should be let in...

A guy steps up, "I was a missionary, we were working to save a village from a devastating virus and I caught the virus and died..." "Well," says St Peter, "you just head on in! Open The Gates!!"

Another guy comes forward with his story.....and another.....

Finally it's the concrete truck driver's turn.

"So, what were you doing and where were you?"

"Well you see, I drive a concrete truck and I came around a corner on a downhill grade and there was these kids and.."

Wait, WAIT!" says St Peter....

"Does dispatch know where you are?"
 
Dividing Community Property

Dividing Community Property

At breakfast, the man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."

"Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."
 
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