we need a humor forum.....until then

Andy, do me a favor, send me some of those cow seeds they use on that cow "farm". I want to grow some cows. BTW whats the growing cycle?
I heard it with a cowboy and his horse.
 
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
 
A man goes into a bar and sits down followed by an ostrich, he orders a bear and a steak the birds I will have the same
after eating the man asks how much the bartender tells him he reaches in his pocket and gives the bartender the exact amount with 15 % tip
the next day he comes back and again has the exact amount, this goes on for two weeks , then instead of the steak he orders chicken one day and still he has the exact change. the bartender is just busting and he blurts out how do you always have the correct amount?
Well says the guy I found this lamp and the genie gave me three wishes and for my first i wished that however much I needed to pay a bill I would always have it

the bartender asks so if you go to a Rolls Royce dealer and Yes I would have the exact change taxes tag and all

bartender says wow that is smart your second wish

A long and healthy life

another good choice
whats with the bird?

oh for my third wish i wished for a chick with long legs who always agreed with me
 
Vern, the seeds are highly guarded. I could probably get some for you though. It appears you have plenty of the other ingredient needed, fertilizer . :D

Sorry, we dont refer to them as ranches up here. I know what a horse is, Whats a Cowboy ? We have Fishermen, Logmen and Women, no "cowboys" ?
 
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there was a young lady who went for a tramp in the woods.............he chased her all day
 
Young man comes home from work and says " Honey, terrible day, I got fired " wife replies, "thats bad,what did you do?"
" well " says he, " I stuck my whopper in the pickle slicer " Wife says, " Are you ok?" " yes " replies Hubby. "well, what
happened to the pickle slicer" asks the wife. Hubby says " well they fired her too.
 
Old timers humor.
Older man was counseling a younger man on some of his marriage problems.
He agreed to accompany the younger man home and listen to them discuss some issues.
They sat down and and the older man asked the wife what was one of the most frequent topics of disagreement between them. She said her cooking. The young man spouted off and said that's true she sure cant cook bread like my mama.
The young woman snarled back and said maybe I could if you made dough like my daddy.......
 
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. The
first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."

The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too,
and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife
look like?"

The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long
legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look
like?"

To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."
 
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy,
Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up alongside Jimmy Joe with a big, wide, toothless grin.
"Hey, Bubba, where'd you get that new truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We was driving out on the county road,
when Bobby Sue pulled off the road. She put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes, and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
"So, I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you done good! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
 
A young married man went to his father for some advice. He told his father that he thought he was losing his sex drive because he could only get it on once with his wife the night before.
The father pondered that for a moment and replied, "I must be losing my mind, I never even thought about it last night.
 
I was walking past the mental hospital yesterday and the patients were all yelling "13....13......13"

The fence was too high to see over but I spotted a little gap in the planks.

I leaned in to see and some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started yelling "14....14....14"
 
A guy has a flat in front of a mental hospital.
He goes through the normal routing of changing the flat.
When he reaches for the hubcap containing the lug nuts he drops it an all the lug nuts fall into the storm drain.
The guy become frantic because he had a very important appointment he was trying to get to.
A little guy had been intently watching him from a second story window.
He leans out and says to the guy why dont you take one lug nut off of the other 3 tires and then you can make it down to the local garage.
The driver is surprised by the ingenious solution and looks up at the guy and says "say your pretty smart".
To which they guy in the window replies Im crazy not stupid.
 
Not that I think mocking disasters is funny, but......

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied, "Off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.
 
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