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The Pocket Taser Story...

The Pocket Taser Story...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
If you touch it to your tongue like testing a 9-volt ba'ddry....................... yer nuts might pop back out.

lol

al
 
Ok K some of these have been pretty funny but that one made me laugh until I had tears.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Do us all a favor and let someone else try it on you and then you can tell us just how bad the "1sec" burst really is........or not.:rolleyes:;)
 
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held up their hands, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I've outlived all them mother ers"
 
swmft said:
Anyone remember the capacitors they had with the airplane mags? A taser is kinder; less kick.
Click to expand...

I've never seen a capacitor from an airplane, only from Briggs and Stratton engines back in the day but tasers have some kick. My son has permanent scarring on his bicep from showing an off-duty cop he could function while being hit by a taser.

al
 
I guess this is nitpicking but technically a taser fires electrodes on wires while a stun gun has the arcing electrodes. That said, the police officer who administered the test to my son called it "tazing" or "tasing" and the test was accomplished via the metal probes not darts. The thing started because there was a story floating around of a guy who, when tasered, reached down and unplugged himself. The guys around the station didn't believe it to be possible because they'd all been tazed in training. My son's contention was that a collected person could easily reach out and pull the taser probes out.

Three solid bursts with him in total control (except for the smoking flesh) proved that yes it's possible to function while under the influence of electricity, even to reach out and remove the instrument. :)

Anyways, the dude hit hisself in the thigh with a stungun.

al
 
When I'd been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. "Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.


LOL

al
 
alinwa said:
When I'd been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. "Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.


LOL

al
Click to expand...
Your wife gave you a choice?? Wow how is the doghouse after the question?
 
Al there was a video of a naked black man that was in front of a church. A female cop confronted him, ultimately she shot him with a tazer at which point he fell down, instantly got up and beat the snot out of her until backup arrived. Wouldnt have believed it if I had not seen it. Ill see if I can find the video.
 
a man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Game warden picked up a fella for shooting an eagle.
When he went before the judge, the judge asked him why in the world he would shoot and eagle? The guy replied he had lost his job and his family was starving. He had gone hunting and it was the only living thing he had seen in 2 days so he shot it in order to feed his family. The judge decided to take pity on the man and let him go.
As the man was walking out of the courtroom the judge stopped him and asked him, by the way what does eagle taste like?
The man stopped and replied well, its a little gamier than a California Condor and a little milder than a falcon.
 
Vern said:
Al there was a video of a naked black man that was in front of a church. A female cop confronted him, ultimately she shot him with a tazer at which point he fell down, instantly got up and beat the snot out of her until backup arrived. Wouldnt have believed it if I had not seen it. Ill see if I can find the video.
Click to expand...

We'll take your word for it....
 
....Happy and Sad..

..A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

..The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”.

....She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest Johnson."
 
GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'
 
mike in co,
I'm not going to read all of them, so tell me if somebody else posted this one.

An Amish Traffic Stop



An Amish woman was driving her buggy when a traffic officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your
husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately." Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
 
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless
 
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