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Woman Shot in the Head

Woman Shot in the Head

Babs Burnett, 23 and a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while
there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her
husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running
and the windows rolled up. Her eyes were closed and both hands were behind
the back of her head. Concerned, he rushed over to the car. He noticed that
Babs’ eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked if she
was okay; Babs replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to
her, it actually had been 15 minutes.)

The husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Babs refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in they found Babs had a wad of bread dough on the back of
her head. From the back seat a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of
dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what
it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out but quickly recovered.

Babs is blonde, a Democrat and a Joe Biden supporter... but that could be just
coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the entire ordeal was
determined to be Trump's fault. Speaker Pelosi has called for hearings.
 
This one has to be true

lawrence w. said:
woman shot in the head

babs burnett, 23 and a resident of san diego, was visiting her in-laws and while
there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her
husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running
and the windows rolled up. Her eyes were closed and both hands were behind
the back of her head. Concerned, he rushed over to the car. He noticed that
babs’ eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked if she
was okay; babs replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to
her, it actually had been 15 minutes.)

the husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and babs refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in they found babs had a wad of bread dough on the back of
her head. From the back seat a pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of
dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what
it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out but quickly recovered.

Babs is blonde, a democrat and a joe biden supporter... But that could be just
coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the entire ordeal was
determined to be trump's fault. Speaker pelosi has called for hearings.
Click to expand...

:d
 
A hyena is drinking at a watering hole one day when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle clean acros't the pond.

The hyena asks, “What did you do that for?”

“Well,” answers the elephant, “About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB and paid him back.”

“Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that turtle looked like after that many years?”

The elephant replied, “I have turtle recall.”
 
A 90-year-old man was bragging to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
So the Pope gets in early on his flight.

It's a warm spring morning, thee birdies are chirrupping, the chipmunks munking, in short just a great day to be alive......

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"








Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
 
Since nobody seems to like my Jewisch jokes........ here's another ;)



Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

When finished, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.

"You tell that schmuck to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
 
Another on for the Jewish clan.

Abe and Bernie were having a cocktail in the clubhouse one afternoon when Bernie asked Abe, " what brought you to Miami?" Abe said that he was in the textile business in New York and a fire destroyed his warehouse and entire business, so he took the insurance money, retired and moved to Miami. Abe then asked Bernie, "what brought you to Miami? Bernie said, I was also in the textile business in New York when a flood came along and destroyed my warehouse and entire business. So, likewise, I took the insurance money, retired and moved to Miami. After thinking for a minute Abe leaned over and asked Bernie, "how do you start a flood?
 
The sheep

Wife walks into the living room with a sheep in her arms where her husband is watching tv. Looking at her husband she says, I’m going to sleep with this pig tonight. Husband Looks at his wife and says, honey that’s not a pig it’s a sheep, wife looks at her husband and replies, yes I know It’s a sheep, that’s who I was talking to.
 
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of playing jokes on strangers.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say, partner, before you go… what was it you done in Texas?”

“I walked home.”
 
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never say we don't have something!!! If we don't have it, say "we've ordered it and it's on its way.""

"Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk answered, "Snow."
 
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day.

One day, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

The wife smiled softly as her husband continued, “When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked.

“I think you are bad luck!”
 
Little boy asked his grandfather when was he going to turn into a frog. Grandfather asked why would you ask me that? Little boy says because grandma said when you croak we are going to Disney World.
 
A little girl asked her father.... "Daddy, where did my intelligence come from?"

"Well, it must have come from your mother................... because I still have all of mine!"
 
If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body dumped there.
 
a couple was invited to a posh fancy dress costume party.

The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'- 'Did you dance much?'- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....
 
IRISH FARMER!

An elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that,
They suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked old Farmer
“Well,” said the old man,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there’s the housekeeper.
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”
“That’s disgraceful,” said the inspector,
“I need to interview half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said old Farmer.
 
It Snowed, So I Made a Snowman

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman, too.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man…woman...person...asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC station shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - Now I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I am being asked if I have any accomplices......dark-eyed men are giving me meaningful and earnest scrutiny while speaking quietly into their throat mics....

9:29 - Far left protesters And Muslim ‘immigrants’, offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding that I be beheaded.

Folks are shoving mics in my face and frothing at me.......I refuse to speak to anyone at this point for fear the term "snowflake" might slip out.

I'm waiting for all the kids and grandkids to get here so's we can lock ourselves in and whisper Christmas Carols..........

so "existentially ephemeral feelings upon all ye's humans and sentient beings out there on this most innocuous of all holi"_ooops_ "days" and "May The Benevolent Non-Existent Feeling-Of-Warmth Beam Radiance and Warmness Upon Ye's All's This, umm, this, umm.... THIS IMPENDING 24hr SPAN!!"


God Bless




al
 
Robot Bartender

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says,
“What will you have?
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The guy say, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks,
“What’s your drink?”
The guy answers,
“Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man replies,“120.”
The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints, and LSU.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies,
“Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man answers,100”.
The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So . . . Do you folks really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?
 
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