we need a humor forum.....until then

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
 
The scene was the nursing home, as old Doug was nearing his last few breaths.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take over the offices in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings

As old Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property??? .... the old bugger had a paper route!"
 
The Invention of Auto AC

Since some of the folks here think I've got "a thing about Jews"..... (I do, I Love 'em ;) )

And since there's car guys here......

Here's an ethnic story



Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...
 
My two friends

This is a true story.

One day a few years ago I was walking to the bank to deposit the days takings from my computer store.

A pair of sorry looking blokes were sitting on a bench an as I passed one asked me what was in the attache case.
I replied that my two mates were in the case. Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.

Never had a problem after that!

* doggie *
 
A gent was working in the diamond mines in Russia. At the end of his shift he would wheel out a wheelbarrow full of dirt. The guards would sift through it and send him on his way. After a week somebody asked him why he did that and his reply. Don't tell anyone, but I'm stealing wheelbarrows.
 
antelopedundee said:
A gent was working in the diamond mines in Russia. At the end of his shift he would wheel out a wheelbarrow full of dirt. The guards would sift through it and send him on his way. After a week somebody asked him why he did that and his reply. Don't tell anyone, but I'm stealing wheelbarrows.
Click to expand...

Funny. The same thing happened on the International bridge between Del Rio, Texas and Mexico 40 or 50 years back, as I was told. The man's name was something like Juan Valdez only he was smuggling the wheelbarrows. Quite a plan!

Concho Bill
 
maybe a repeat.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
 
OK, just this once.... here's a REAL Jew joke. Find out if any of y'alls actually know and love you some Yids! (hint, if you don't.... you won't get it)



During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, “Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.”

The Cantor looks at him, somewhat convicted he kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, “Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.”

Ben Shapiro is in the fifth row......

he bows his head, goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, “Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.”

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. “Eh, look who thinks he’s nothing!”
 
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth..

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
 
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.

The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
 
anniversary

A mans wife comes into the kitchen to find him at the table sobbing. What is the matter she asks? He replies do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of his car? Yes she replied. Well do you remember he told me if I didn't marry you he'd have me locked up for 20yrs.? Yes she replied. Then he sobbed uncontrollably. She asked again why the tears, to which he replied I would have got out today.
 
D55 said:
A mans wife comes into the kitchen to find him at the table sobbing. What is the matter she asks? He replies do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of his car? Yes she replied. Well do you remember he told me if I didn't marry you he'd have me locked up for 20yrs.? Yes she replied. Then he sobbed uncontrollably. She asked again why the tears, to which he replied I would have got out today.
Click to expand...

LOL!



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmabvEcmKoA
 
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens.

When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Rooster you need to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! The rooster nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Next he runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. A hen pheasant, 3 ducks in the pond (who knew a banty could swim?!)...

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find his prized rooster laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, rooster , I told you to pace yourself."

The rooster opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
 
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