we need a humor forum.....until then

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Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Eastern Canada and park themselves on a wide bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm Gerry, he's Jimmy. Two Molson Canadian beers on draught please."



The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

“We’re off to England next month," says Gerry. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive all over the place, don't we, Jimmy? Jimmy nods in agreement.




"Ahh, good old England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer!"



"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Gerry. “It’s hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jimmy? And we can't stand the English weather and crowds in the big cities."



“So, why do you keep going to England?" asks the bartender.



Gerry replies: “It gives Jimmy a chance to drive."
 
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley... YOU RIDE IT!!".......
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?"the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No chit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 
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