we need a humor forum.....until then

Dawgg that was a beaut..... here's an American variant just so's ya' know's we got the same sense of humor up here on the topside a' the pond


An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent. (ATO tax auditor to you)

They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?".

The man replies "I make unusual bets."

In disbelief the agent returns "yeahh right.... and exactly how does THAT work?"

Well, says the man, "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball."

The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The man pops out his glass eye and chomps down on it. The agent is surprised and disappointed.

The man then says "you didn't know I had a fake eye, so I'll give you another chance; double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!".

The tax agent thinks that of course he can't have two fake eyes, so he agrees.

The old man pops out his dentures and chomps them down on his other eye. The agent is distraught, how did he fall for that?

Seeing the agent upset the old man has another offer:

"Tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, p!ss into the trash can on the other side without getting a drop on the desk."

The tax agent looks at his oversized 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet.

The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up urinating all over the agent's desk.

The tax agent looks up smiling that he finally won, but then sees the lawyer, head in hands, shaking with disbelief.

"What's wrong with you" he asked.

The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me $10000 that he could p!ss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."
 
bidens out for a nice dinner

The Biden’s are seated together at a nice restaurant and the waiter comes over to take their orders:

He says to Mrs. Biden, “Good evening Dr. Biden. Have you decided on an entrée?”

“Yes,” she replies. “I’ll have the New York strip, medium rare.”

“Very good,” says the waiter. “And for the vegetable?”

She answers, “Oh! He’ll have the same!””
 
It took a minute

rsmithsr said:
The Biden’s are seated together at a nice restaurant and the waiter comes over to take their orders:

He says to Mrs. Biden, “Good evening Dr. Biden. Have you decided on an entrée?”

“Yes,” she replies. “I’ll have the New York strip, medium rare.”

“Very good,” says the waiter. “And for the vegetable?”

She answers, “Oh! He’ll have the same!””
Click to expand...

It took me a minute but that is funny!
 
A Female Horth

A guy calls his buddy , the horse rancher , and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse?

"A female horth."

So they go down by the lake and he shows the midget a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Completely over the edge at this point, the rancher grabs the little guy, and chucks him over the fence into the stock pond!

The midget struggles out of the lake, gets up, sputtering and coughing and says:

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
 
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Dave Coots said:
Yep
Click to expand...

HOley HEinous!

guess it's FRIDAY My Brothers.....I swear, if that showed up on the local Craigslist I'd go buy it, sawzall a couple holes for dual-opposed chicom spools to stick outa' the hood, blast her with a bone-colored post-apocolyptico paint job maybe with some pigwire mesh and metal showing thru..... roll up the boost to make her howl so hard you can feel the frame twist.

I'd lose the dinky horns and add a wraparound curb-finder with some hooks....

And me an' My Beloverly be out on the town.

40mi up the road there's a restaurant that's never stooped nor bowed, no face-sac required near/on/nor in the premises....their fines are approaching a half-million dollars at this juncture and of course we go there every week just to support them. Waiting up to two hours in line to get in, laffing and chatting with other humans, partying like it was 1999.... It's a hotrod joint with a Marilyn room, an Elvis room, a Betty Boop section, photos of old racers and signed celebrity pics.....a real Wurlitzer and vanity license plates covering the walls dating back into the 50's.......Home-aid burgers over a pound. Batter-dipped fries....They make a cinnamon roll the size of a watermellion..... cars in the parking lot that would buy the joint and some so lumpy they're hard to park..... my wife's Audi looks schlumpy in that crowd..... we been looking for something stupid, the plan was always to trick out one a' the new mid-engine vettes but now that they're HERE, driving one out amongst the sheeple just don't feel fun.


'AT's the mood we're in, me-N-her..... does this make us bad people??

Heart of RatRod country here.....

LOL

al
 
No, just sounds like the result of a youth spent immersed in Big Daddy Roth Ratfink Kustom Kar Kulture.

Most of us of a certain age were susceptible.

Turbo is terrific, but I'd rather be blown.
 
When I was a kid

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "excuse my French" after a swear word.

I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
 
feeding the pets

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables

placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there

for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard

voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get

out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile'
 
Funeral for Dog

A wealthy parishioner of the local Catholic church approached Father O'Malley to make arrangements to hold services for his beloved Labrador Retriever. The dog had been a constant companion of his for 15 years and had just passed away. However, Father O'Malley informed the parishioner that the church did not hold services for animals. The parishioner replied that he was disappointed in the churches policy and had been prepared to make a fifty thousand dollar donation to the church's building fund, to which Father O'Malley replied, good grief man, you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic.
 
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The value of expert opinions

Ever since I was a child, I've had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him . . . "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm too scared to sleep."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears.."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the Doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"






A toothpaste factory had a problem; sometimes it would ship empty boxes. The cost of handling complaints and returns/refunds was becoming exhorbitant so they decided to hire an expert to eliminate empty boxes.

An engineer came in and worked with the millwrights to open up a spot in the line for a scaled section where the boxes would be weighed as they passed over and a buzzer would sound, a light would flash, the line would stop momentarily and someone could walk over and flip off the empty. The work took weeks but he was thorough, he built a robust system. He also installed a counter to find how often the problem occurred (and therefore how much money his work had saved) and billed out with instructions to "please let me know how it all worked out."

He didn't hear anything the first month and smiled in satisfaction....

Second month, the same....

Finally, after 6mo with no word he scheduled his day so that he could 'drop by' and gloat a little.

He found the floor manager, who recognized and remembered him. "So, I see the line's running.... how's the failure rate?"

"Zero"

"Well imagine that!" Swelling just a little the engineer strolled the line watching as hundreds of boxes went by...... he kinda' hoped to hear the buzzer and see flashing lights but nope. All smooth sailing. So he wandered over to check his counter.

10 counts.

A measly TEN COUNTS in 6 months!

He went back over to the manager, "hey, when you guys hired me you were getting more than ten empties per day and my counter only shows 10 hits in 6 months! What gives?"

"Ohh, that"..... "well it din't take long and the guys were sick of the lights and noise and tired of walking over to a dead line so one of the guys stuck a fan alongside the line to blow the empties off before they hit the sensor"
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'



She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'



'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'



She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'



The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'



'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'



The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'



'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'



The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
 
Sent from Yahoo Mail :






ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT
Two obnoxious businessmen

in a new shopping mall.....


were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be

new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't

ready, with only a few

shelves set up.

One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now

some senior pensioner is

going to walk by, put their

face to the window, and

ask what we're selling."




No sooner were the words

out of his mouth when,

sure enough, a curious old

woman walked to the

window, had a peek, and in

a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
"Must be doing well...
Only two left.
 
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