we need a humor forum.....until then

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know an Ed Slattery?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
 
A young man called his father and asked if they could talk, he had a problem?
His father replied they could talk about anything.
The young man explained that he must be lossing his sex drive as he could only manage to get it on
once with his wife the previous night. I need to know what is wrong?
The father pondered that for a moment and replied, "I must be losing my mind, I never even thought
about it last night."
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
 
FISH CAKES
A boy comes home from school at 7:00pm.
His dad asks, "Where were you?"
"At Jessica's place", he says.
"What were you doing", his dad asks.
"Studying", he says.
After taking a snack from the table he says, "These fish cakes are great."
His dad says, "Wash your hands son, those are donuts".
 
Dad's sitting in front of the teevee throwing peanuts up and catching them in his mouth when the door opens. As he turns his head to look a peanut falls in his ear.

Attempts at extrication just push it in deeper. Try as they might they can't get the stubborn legume out far enough to get a tweezer on it......

Door opens again to admit daughter and date, they're soon involved in the procedure. "Hey sez the date, I'm in med school, I've got an idea. If we can produce some positive pressure.... and get your ear to evert a little....lemme try this." He then asks dad to tip his head sideways and he pinches his nose closed saying "now slowly puff out your cheeks and blow until your ears pop."

Sure enough, out pops the peanut.

"Well!" sez Mother, "he seemed a nice fellow eh? I wonder what he's gonna' be when he graduates?"

"From the smell of his fingers, our son in law."
 
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
 
The report card

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
No matter how much you cheat the government in taxes, you'll never get close to being even. Trust me.
(Tim Geithner, Treasury Secretary's proverb)

Good intentions make the most noise.
(Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)

All good things are either illegal, immoral, or lead to obesity.
(Kennedy family proverb)

Surely you can fool all the people all the time.
(Proverb of the mainstream media)

To err is human, and we use this faculty frequently and with much pleasure.
(Proverb of the US Congress)

All work and no pay makes Jack an exemplary citizen.
(Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)

If toast falling off the table always lands butter-side down, it is safe to presume that toast buttered on both sides will stop and hover in midair.
(Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)

All that glitters must be taxed.
(Proverb of the Ways and Means Committee)

Every time the government tries to organize the economy, the only thing that stays organized is crime.
(Proverb of the Chicago Mafia)

The people are not only our most precious recourse, but also a means of enrichment.
(Proverb of the US Congress)

Too many cooks don't pay enough taxes.
(Proverb of the Ways and Means Committee)

Every man has a right to the left.
(ACLU proverb)

Every rake deserves a chance to be stepped on repeatedly.
(Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)

For a lie to become believable it must be published in The New York Times.
(Proverb of Democrat strategists)

Teach someone how to fish, and you lose a Democrat voter.
(Proverb of the Teachers' Union )

You will be driving your old car for a longer period of time if you don't buy a new one.
(Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)

No matter how much whiskey you stock up in your desk, you always wind up sending an aide for more.
(Ted Kennedy's proverb)

Attractive women are distractive.
(Bill Clinton's proverb)

Man can stare infinitely and without motion at three things: burning flame, flowing water, and another man working.
(Proverb of the Department of Labor)

No matter how hard you negotiate your labor contract, there will always be an asshole who works even less and gets paid even more.
(Proverb of unionized workforce)

Child-proof electrical outlets are there to make sure that only the most gifted children get electrocuted to death.
(Proverb of Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA))

Safety violations may result not only in a person's death, but also in a person's birth.
(Proverb of Planned Parenthood organization)

If a man wants to have a life, medicine is powerless.
(Kennedy family proverb)

If your wife isn't talking to you in the morning, last night's party must have been a success!
(Clinton family proverb)

Why is it that when you converse with God, it's called prayer, but when God converses with you, it's called schizophrenia?
(Rev. Jeremiah Wright's proverb)

A woman wants a lot of different things from one and the same man, while a man wants one and the same thing from a lot of different women.
(Clinton family proverb)

Having a tough day? Try changing your gender.
(Janet Reno's proverb)

Never spend your own money when you can spend the government's. Charity begins with a lawsuit.
(Proverb of community organizers)

Let bygones be hammered into everyone's brain using news media, television, and Hollywood.
(Proverb of Democrat strategists)

Government helps those who refuse to help themselves.
(Proverb of community organizers)

If necessity is the mother of invention, government mandate is the fairy godmother.
(Proverb of carbon emission regulators)

A bad workman blames corporate greed and lack of government oversight.
(Proverb of the Financial Services Committee)

All that glitters must be equally redistributed to each according to his need.
(Proverb of community organizers)

Having naughty children in the back seat can result in an accident; having a naughty accident in the back seat can result in children, followed by a story in The National Enquirer.
(John Edwards' proverb)

Never pick on a Democrat candidate's family; attack something he cares about instead.
(Proverb of Republican strategists)

If you can't lick them, tax them.
(Proverb of the Ways and Means Committee)

He who pays the piper must also cover his health insurance and retirement benefits.
(Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)

The most beautiful thing about the environment is that you can turn it into an election issue.
(Proverb of Democrat strategists)

Be careful what you legislate; it may do exactly what Rush Limbaugh said it would.
(Proverb of Rush Limbaugh's listeners)

Never argue with a loaded Kennedy.
(Proverb of Republican strategists)

If wishes were horses there's be no need in fossil fuels
(Proverb of oil executives)

Give your opponents one hundred dollars worth of steak, and you shall receive one trillion dollars worth of pork.
(Proverb of the US Congress)

The difference between a kleptomaniac and a Congressman is mostly one of semantics.
(Proverb of the US Congress)

Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow who didn't vote for you and me.
(Found buried in a federal "stimulus" bill)

All it takes to prove that I am the smartest guy in any room is for the rest of the people in that room to believe me when I say it.
(Joe Biden's proverb)

Multiculturalism is when people of all races, colors, and creeds join hands in a common effort to blame the Jews.
(Proverb of Columbia University professors)
 
Well, I heard it as a Texas joke :)



...Only in Texas ..

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because
he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a
better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas
deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the
stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was
coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy.
License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy
repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me
go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy
says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Now, do you want me
to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas ........
 
Warning

>Women often receive warnings about protecting
>themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots,
>etc. This one caught me totally by
>surprise. This is the first warning I have seen
>for older men and I wanted to pass it on in case
>you haven't heard about it. It's a 'heads up '
>for those older men who may be regular
>customers at Lowes, Home Depot, Costco, or Wal-Mart.
>
>Over the last month I became a victim of a
>clever scam while out shopping. Simply going
>out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
>traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it
>can't happen to you. Here 's how the scam works...
>
>Two nice looking, college-age girls will come
>over to your car or truck as you are packing
>your purchases into your vehicle. They both
>start wiping your windshield with a cloth and
>Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
>their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not
>to look). When you thank them and offer them a
>tip, they say 'No ' but instead ask for a ride
>to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into
>the vehicle. On the way, they start
>undressing. Then one of them starts crawling
>all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
>
>I had my wallet stolen Feb. 4th, 9th, 10th,
>twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th,
>24th, and the 28th. Also March 1st, 4th, 8th,
>twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
>
>What a horrible way to take advantage of older
>men. So please,> send this on to all the older
>men that you know and warn them to be on the
>lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
>before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
>
>Please warn your older men friends to be vigilant.
>
>
>PS - Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99
>each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the
>Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.*
 
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know $hit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
 
Location Location Location

In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation
when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) one million rounds of
ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun
bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be
called "mentally unstable."

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until
they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And... In Texas, he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy."
 
Handy man

A woman placed an add in the newspaper for a handyman. The following day a man knocked on her door and said I am a handy man. Great she said, I will get you to paint the veranda. Sorry he said, I`m allergic to paint. OK she said, can you fix the guttering ?. Sorry he said, I am scared of heights!. OK she said can you mow the lawn. Sorry he said but I get hayfever. She said " you don`t seem to be good for much, what makes you a handyman?." Well", he said, "I only live around the corner".
 
Gator Attack

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
 
lbkr.jpg




Jim is at the zoo one day standing outside of the gorilla exhibit. Jim sneezes and notices the big ape mimic the same motion. Jim then looks at his watch, and notices the gorilla glance at his own hairy wrist too as if also reading a wrist watch. Jim is amused by this behavior and starts to do a simon-says routine watching the gorilla copy his every move. All is fun and games until Jim blinks at the gorilla with his right eye 3 times in rapid succession. The gorilla suddenly becomes enraged, reaches through the cage's steel bars and grabs Jim around the neck, shaking Jim vigorously and almost choking him into unconsciousness. Roughed up and dazed, Jim listens to the zookeeper tell him "Oh sir, you should never blink an eye 3 times at an ape like that because it means Fu** You in ape language!"

Jim leaves the zoo only to come back later that afternoon with a plan to punish the big ape for what he had done to him earlier in the day. Jim goes back to stand in front of the gorilla cage, and do the same sneezing and wrist watch antics, and watch the ape once again copy his same moves. But this time Jim has a trick up his sleeve; Jim places a large cylinder of salami at his crotch and keeps it in held there firmly between his legs. With a big knife and a fast swing of his arm, Jim slices through the salami and lets the half of it fall to the ground. Jim then places the knife down by the cage within reach for the ape to be able to grab and then use on himself. The big gorilla looks down at the knife and back up at Jim, and then blinks 3 times at Jim.
 
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead worked together in an office.
Every Friday at 1 pm, their female boss left for the day.
One Monday, the redhead said, "Since she leaves every Friday afternoon, we should leave too."
They all agreed, and decided to leave early on Friday.

The brunette went home and spent the afternoon with her daughter, making cookies.

... The redhead went for a spa day and got an early start on her Friday night.

The blonde went home and found her husband in bed making love to her boss.

The following Monday, the redhead said, "Friday was great, I had a spa day and an awesome weekend". The brunette said, "I made cookies with my daughter and great time."
The redhead was so excited, she said, "We need to leave early again this Friday!"
Then the Blonde said, "No way! I almost got caught!"

Hovis
 
Reminds me of one:

Sophistication: You come home early, find your wife in bed with another man & say, "Please continue".

Ultimate Sophistication: You're in bed with this hot little number when her husband walks in & says, "Please continue" - and you can.
 
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