we need a humor forum.....until then

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Six Types of Sex. . .

1. PENSION SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?" "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

2. LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

3. Silent Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

4. ARGUMENT SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife -
Cold as Ever.'" "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff at Last.'"

5. WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he left the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs, and he couldn't get back in.

6. ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge
of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex, he could also probably fly.
 
I took my 8 year old daughter to the office on 'take your kid to work day'. But when we walked into the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered around, I asked her what was wrong, and she said; "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
 
POLICE OFFICER TEST!

How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer?

QUESTION:You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Canadian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's rights under The Charter of Rights and Freedoms:
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Has my uniform caused him anguish?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click' . . . Reload . . .
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
 
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