Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Whatever she wants Al.......
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Bill Gammon
New member
I have to honestly admit, Dave when I see you posting on this forum, I read it. I have never seen a man with so much "HIDDEN" stuff.
Last edited:
Just for you Canucks Bill
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head, "Ai'r ya walkin' er drivin' then?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head, "Ai'r ya walkin' er drivin' then?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Hey Bill
Are they letting you Canucks out for the Nats? Maybe I could bring her along.
Later
Dave
Bill Gammon
New member
NAW DAVE, they won't let us cross the border. I do not how Hugh does it? I thought I was in the know.
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Well that sucks. We miss picking on all you folks. Also miss the " informational meetings " after the matches.
In the vein of the taser story, the ropin' a deer story and perhaps even the Texas chili cookoff story I offer:
The Electric Fence and the Lawnmower.
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to it and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in the friggin' summer heat, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 11 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in for me....How very thoughtful of her.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time.......stood........still..........
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot defecate, urinate and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just sh!t your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a Hemi turning 8 grand thru standpipes....
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece-a-crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.
So here I am, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing lock-kneed in my own front yard , begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day ....
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.....
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. I was sunburned, sore and my shoulders felt like I'd taken a drunk-dive thru a float tube only to find out it was a manhole......
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have fused, but my tongue can't really tell for sure.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and puke when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still the same diameter....... yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.... and to plug er back in when I'm done
all in all life is gu-gu-gu.....gooo
good
GOOD!
The Electric Fence and the Lawnmower.
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to it and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in the friggin' summer heat, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 11 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in for me....How very thoughtful of her.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time.......stood........still..........
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot defecate, urinate and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just sh!t your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a Hemi turning 8 grand thru standpipes....
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece-a-crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.
So here I am, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing lock-kneed in my own front yard , begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day ....
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.....
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. I was sunburned, sore and my shoulders felt like I'd taken a drunk-dive thru a float tube only to find out it was a manhole......
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have fused, but my tongue can't really tell for sure.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and puke when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still the same diameter....... yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.... and to plug er back in when I'm done
all in all life is gu-gu-gu.....gooo
good
GOOD!
What a wonderful story Al. I winced at every word.
I once took a young friend trout fishing. Like most young people he knew it all.
So before he put his waders on I remarked that it is hard to have a pee when wearing waders so best to have a pee beforehand.
Like most animals, he needed a solid object to pee upon and chose the nearest fence post.
I forgot to remind him that it was an electric fence
* doggie *
I once took a young friend trout fishing. Like most young people he knew it all.
So before he put his waders on I remarked that it is hard to have a pee when wearing waders so best to have a pee beforehand.
Like most animals, he needed a solid object to pee upon and chose the nearest fence post.
I forgot to remind him that it was an electric fence
* doggie *
antelopedundee
internet bum
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
Bob Hope
BOB HOPE
ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
BOB HOPE
ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
Attachments
After The Ball Is Over.....
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".
