Things You Learn if You Live Long Enough
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on
me every day. He is from India, and he's very concerned about my car
warranty.
I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a
doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."
Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness. (Mark
Twain)
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the
illusion that I'm a nice person.
It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to
pick one of your own. I know that now.
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take just one
bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"
One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an older adult is
how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.
If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit
contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen
counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.
I re-labeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble
yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the
terrible chest pains I keep getting.
Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer,
"Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me
to stop going to those places.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone
could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to
fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life
until you die?
My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3 AM!!! Luckily, I was already
up playing the bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and
think, "Wow! My house looks good…
