we need a humor forum.....until then

I stopped by the Ford Dealership Friday, for a look at the new F-150
pickups.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new
"feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black guy wearing
an Obama "CHANGE" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the
truck and all of its cool options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and cool air to your butt
in the summer heat.

Feeling a little frisky and messing with him, I mentioned that this
must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke
up your butt year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... the guy had no sense of humor.
 
I'm not positive this is funny but here goes........




A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a religious scholar," he replies.

"A religious scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 
Brad, a local beachgoer, simply couldn’t make time with any of the girls. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,“ said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”
 
Here is a golf ethics question for you.


What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and
the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit
your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway,
leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball,
lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the
golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his
ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it
in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from
the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent
exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear
is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes
sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than
six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront
him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.
 
acting on impulse

a Wife comes home early from a business trip, gets home the night before she was supposed to. She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the covers she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she is done, she goes to the kitchen to have a stiff drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading the paper.
"Hi Darling" he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello yet?"
 
Chinese Sick Leave







_
Hung Chow calls work and says,

"Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work"

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go

to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!"
 
An 80 year old and a 87 year old are at the senior citizen's center, and the 87 year old says,"Hey, I'm bored. Lets go for a job around the block." The 80 year old says, "What, are you kidding? How are you in shape for jogging?" He says, "Simple just eat rye bread--it keeps your blood circulation great, and even brings back great sex." On the way home the 80 year old stops in the bakery, and asks the girl behind the counter for 5 loves of rye bread. "Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it'll be hard!" He says "Damn, how come everybody else knows about this!?"
 
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the #1 reason...

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
 
I told this one in 2015 -

Yessir, back in 2012 two men campaigned for president of the United States ...

Oh. Wait.

Nevermind, that one isn't funny.
 
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the

city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which
he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge
beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking

the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded

Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject,

the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old

man.


She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that

and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to

pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for

the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and

pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very,

very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and

Palestinians."


The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every

day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.


The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
 
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
> > wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe
> > it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
> > His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
> > let such a comment go unrewarded.
> > The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
> > drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little
> > 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
> > 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum
> > powder in my underwear?'
> > She replied with a snicker...
> > 'It's not talcum powder......
> > It's 'Miracle Grow'.'
 
Children's Books That Didn't Make the Cut:
---------------------------------------------------------------

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Jane Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly.

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
 
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can
identify their corporate sponsors
 
Subject: Job evaluations

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance
evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."


"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"


"I would not allow this employee to breed"


"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be"


"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap"


"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"


"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"


"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them"


"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"


"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"


"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"


"He's been working with glue too much"


"He would argue with a signpost"


"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"


"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"


"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"


"A prime candidate for natural deselection"


"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"


"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"


"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"


"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
 
This isn't really a joke. It's a true story. I was there. Even now, years later, people who are familiar with the case will break out into a gigantic smile when you remind them of it. Maybe it doesn't belong in a joke thread but those of us involved got more laughs out of it than an hour with George Carlin, so...

davejones said:
...These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"...
Click to expand...

If you work for the Feds, your grade and pay are determined by the difficulty and responsibility of your job. There are volumes of job descriptions, each assigned a number, a name, and a numerical pay grade.

The scale is theoretically 1 to 19 but, in practice, the janitors and messengers who were once grades 1 and 2 have now been replaced by email or contractors. Above 15, most employees enter a different "executive" system with different rules. The numbers are set by independent auditors from the Office of Personnel Management.

We had a young lady who was a grade 9 and was convinced that the work she did was so important, so complex, and so difficult that she should be a grade 11. She went so far as to file a union grievance over the problem. Beyond that, she was so convinced of the rightness of her cause that she demanded a "desk audit."

If you've ever worked for a federal agency, that phrase will stop your heart. During a desk audit, an independent observer from OPM follows you for 1 or 2 weeks, noting *everything* you do, and makes a decision as to the correct grade of your job. Their decision can't be appealed. *Nobody* actually asks for a desk audit unless they are absolutely sure the work they are doing is so far above their pay grade that the current situation is a gross injustice.

Or unless they have delusions of grandeur.

OPM spent 2 weeks observing this grade 9 employee who devoutly believed she should be an 11 or higher. Then they delivered their findings.

They downgraded the job to grade 5.
 
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says ' Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?'

The second hunter says' I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'

The first hunter says ' There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see'.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

The first hunter says ' Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!'

And the old farmer says, ' Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! '
 
Probably the same two rednecks that were taped in this 911 call;

"Hello, 911 Emergency, can I help you?"

"Please help me ma'am, we're out on the 10 Road above Keller lake about a mile off the road and my buddy just shot himself. He ain't breathin' or nuthin', I think he's dead!"

"OK, OK, now settle down. Take a couple deep breaths"...."Now, the first thing is, we need to make sure he's really dead."

"Boom."

"Ok ma'am, now what?"
 
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