a good blond joke

Blonde jokes would not be funny if there wasn't some truth in there somewhere.

This is a true story....

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
 
medicare

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
 
allmost ablond joke

Aguy walks in to abar in washington dc. And looks down at the end of the bar and there sits pres bush all by his shelf. so he goes down and askes him what he is doing? Bush says he is planing www3. the guy says well whats going to happen?Bush says i'm going to kill 140 million muslims and a blond with big tits. The guy says a blond with big tits why?BSH Looks over at the bar tender and says see i told you nobody gives a crap about 140 million muslims.
 
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up --



DO NOT DO IT!!

THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.



I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed...

The Blonde
 
We can all relate to this one

Husband and Wife were visiting the zoo and stopped in front of the Gorilla cage. The Gorilla suddenly noticed them and started behaving in a strange way. The husband noticed that the Gorrillas attention was all on his wife.

Just to check out his theory the husband says "darling why don't you give him a bit of a wink", the wife thought it a bit strange but played along and the Gorrilla started huffing and puffing getting very excited. The husband says "pucker up your lips and give him one of those saucy looks that your so good at". Well the Gorrilla was going nuts, beating his chest, eyes spinning around in his sockets.

Husband suggests "lift your skirt just a little and see what he does" Gorrilla starts doing back flips, screaming in ecstacy and carrying on like a man deprived.

The husband then opens the door to the cage, shoves his wife in there and locks the cage.

"Now tell him you have a head ache"
 
The Midwest is full of blondes.....Skandihoovians of every stripe.

And ice fishing....

Blonde decides to surprise her boyfriend with some fish when he gets off work.. so she grabs the sled and heads out on the ice.

She's trying to get the auger to fire and a voice from the sky says "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stops and looks around.

"How do you know, some might come!"

ptltlt, ptltltlt, pt-tut-tut-t'prrrrrrrrrrr

"HEY!"

"SHUT IT OFF!"

"THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!"

pt-tut-tuttttt.....

"OK, OKAY!!!"

"Are you God?"

"NO...... I'M JUST THE GUY'S WATCHING THE RINK UNTIL WE OPEN..."

al
 
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
 
grocery blonde

The blond at the grocery check-out could not decide on plastic or paper, she was bi-sackable.
 
Swamp Fox said:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Click to expand...


That one took a full 5 minutes to clear the tears, I'm still a little weak after that.:D
 
Sometimes The Blonde...


A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L. A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question . "What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated!

He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep !!!!!!!
 
Not a blonde joke

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don' forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! "

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree...

Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees


Ees a ham bush...."

Later
Dave
 
A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! :D:D
 
I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the DARK!"
 
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