Poor Bob

S

sailor

New member
He forgot his wifes anniversary and she was MAD!!

"I can't believe you forgot our anniversay again. Tomorrow morning I better wake up and find something in the driveway that will go from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds," she screamed.

The next morning she got up, went to the window, and sure enough, there was a small package gift wrapped in the driveway. Confused she went outside and retrived the package. She brought it back inside, opened it and found a bath room scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
My girlfreind and I were sitting at a table at my school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My girlfriend asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my girlfriend, 'who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
 
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to
my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said,

Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....
 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
 
not funny

I came home after work one day and my wife was standing in front of the mirrow nude i said what are you doing she replied that the doctor told her she had the body of a 30 yr old and the mind of a twenty yr old and i replied what did he say about that 65 year old ass she replied HE DIDNT MENTION YOUR NAME
 
It is near
the Christmas break of the
school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do.
All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have
an early

dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask,
first and correctly
can

leave early today."



Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to
get outta here.
I'm
smart and will answer the question."



Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,
"Abraham
Lincoln."



Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go
home."



Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question
first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a
Dream'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says,
"Martin Luther
King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can
go."



Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your
country can do for
you'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy
says, "John F. Kennedy."



Teacher: "That's right Nancy,
you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to
answer to any
of
the questions.



When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I
wish these
bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"



The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID
THAT?"



Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO
NOW?"
 
For those over 50

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks. Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and
hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm now at this level.)


Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
 
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who
thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich
and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and
hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me
queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and
relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns
a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a $hit.
 
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