I have tried to polish the bullet and look for the lands marks and keep seating deeper until I can't see any. problem here is the marks are still showing when the oal goes well under 2.80 in. This would be ok maybe but it causes compressed loads even with the lighter charges(around 42-43 grs).
Use empty, unprimed cases, and if you can, minimally sized to start. At some point, you should see the marks on the bullet go away. Then seat the bullet a bit longer, and again, at some point, you should see the lands begin to engrave the bullet.
When I do this, I do use calipers and measure the OAL before and after chambering. It's just a check. A variant on the above is to take a lightly neck sized case, seat the bullet long, and chamber it. The chambering itself will push the bullet back into the case neck. Now, with regular neck tension, check this by seating a bullet about .010 longer in OAL. You should now see some engraving marks on the lands. If not, something is awry. Measure the OAL before and after, to make sure that what the lands are showing you doesn't include some residual pushing of the bullet back into the neck.
In and out, in and out. At some point, you'll find a spot you consider "just touching." Whether it is in an absolute sense doesn't matter, it is your reference point. Now you can begin seating bullet farther into and farther off the lands, to see the effect on accuracy.
If, as you say, any seating of the bullet off the lands compresses the powder, that may limit how much jump (off the lands) you can use. That depends on neck tension a bit, too -- if you run a lot of tension, the powder won't push the bullet back out as quickly as if you use little neck tension.
If you're begining to think that all these measurements are a bit relative, they are. Both in terms of what you can do (how much in/off the lands), and what the numbers themselves mean. Remember, what counts is repeatability, not some magic number that can be shared. This is why most of us feel the Stony Point or other such device is a waste of money. To each their own. It works, but so do other methods.
As to your particular problem, that you fill the case so full that any attempt to jump the bullet isn't effective, the tried & true solution is to throat out the chamber just a bit. This is one place where a magazine fed rifle may have different requirements than a singly-loaded rifle. If the rounds have to be fed from a magazine, that's another constraint. But I'd bet a long action in .308 will give plenty of room.
Once you get the hang of it, get a technique going, it doesn't take all that long to establish your "just touching" point. I just went through that for a new chambering; it took me about 15 minutes. If I remember right, the first time it did this, it took me over an hour.
Good luck with it, seating depth -- the amount of jump/jam -- is something that matters. It can also vary from barrel to barrel, or from bullet to bullet, within a barrel.